the dance of days

Laugh with me. My mom just told me she did some of my laundry...my clothes do not lead very long lives after she gets through with them. I'm legitimately concerned. Hahahahahaha......dlkmlkrmlmerlkmlsdmkfolqwijeofng.

The real reason for posting: My PDF portfolio is near completion! Soon, very, very soon I should also have a fully functioning website.

Viva avoiding the computer for internerdery. Viva life changes, too.

Mark this occasion, alert the presses, whatever...I ACTUALLY WANT TO DESIGN AND CREATE. Someone wake me from this dream! I haven't felt creative in months, but it's back baby! It's back...

I've been having some negative times lately that have made me really, really bummed. It's scary actually because I was beginning to feel like I would never see the end of bad (and that can lead to many health problems). However, my luck/karma/whatever changed today (temporarily?).

I decided around black Friday that I wanted a tv. A real tv, of modest size, and not the small 15 year old hand-me-downs I have had access to. So after thinking about it and getting Christmas and belated-graduation money, I decided it was time. I researched on the internet for sales and found a really well-rated 32" Toshiba Regza lcd flat panel hdtv for $684, saving me a little more than $200. I went to 6th Ave Electronics, paid for my 32" tv, and happily load it into my dad's truck. On the ride home, my dad notices the box says 37HL67.

AKA A 37 INCH TV. YESSSSSSSSSSS. I saved $500+ because some dudes made a silly accident.

I kinda feel like I will get some bad karma for this later on, but maybe its positivity finally coming back to me after all the shit I've been going through. I hope thats the case. I'm going to stay positive.

I have been searching for a job for a while, and I'm finding crap or really far jobs. Not cool. I finally got my professional website propagated and ready for me to upload my portfolio. I am definitely excited about that. Once the site is up, I will have a much more aggressive approach to finding a job. I'm not a bad designer, but it's just so hard to get an entry level job without being placed into it by your former professors (like the benefit some of my former classmates had). My location isn't exactly prime for graphic design jobs either...so thats working against me. Whatever, this is just getting ridiculous and I'm bored with life. I need a job!

Expect to see a website soon!

There is a strange magnetic force going on that is making people crazy and causing a lot of problems. HAS TO BE.

I hate updating, but I like creeping and since most of my BFFs aren't updating lately, maybe making a post will inspire them to do so as well.

I'm 22. I feel like I'm trapped in high school lately, but I really just want to chill and be old. I like my newfound calmness and hate that there's people and circumstances that don't allow me to be calm all the time.

Tomorrow should be nice. Cooking with good people, eating said food, and hanging out. What's better than that? Not much.

Tuesday night was horrible. Tuesday was a rough day with Daisy, trying to get her to eat and take her pills. She had been slowing down a lot in recent days to the point of not being interested in food, not drinking often, and going outside for extended periods of time where she would sleep. All she did was sleep. We were preparing to take her to the vet any day, but Tuesday night was the night.

My Daisy was put to sleep on Tuesday night and I have never been so wrecked in my entire life. This wasn't like my grandfathers. Daisy was a wonderful, beautiful, smart, and amazing fixture in my life. For 11 and a half years, I played with her, loved her, and cared for her on a mostly regular basis. She was always home and always the being that I could depend on keeping me company.

Since living at home (mid-June), I have bonded greatly and helped with Daisy's melanoma/vet care. Now she's not physically here and it feels like something great in my life is missing. I don't go downstairs and see her in the morning, I don't get greeted so happily when I come home, I don't have a buddy to keep me company when I get bored. She was just always there and always a wonderful addition to my life. It's a really empty feeling and I hate it.

For a few days leading up to and after, I cried a lot. I know I needed it. I haven't cried much since two days ago, but I always choke up. It's not preparing for her passing anymore, it IS now and this is the reality. I haven't gotten used to this reality yet much and I catch myself looking for her or going to pet her. I know it takes time to adjust, but its such a bummer for me. When I catch myself still not believing, I get really sad and usually make it a point to keep busy and change my mind's focus. It works, but then I find a piece of her fur and I sit and stare at it.

I want to be able to hug her and kiss her sweet face (both in my top favorite things to do on earth), but it's not possible and this is reality. I keep repeating myself because I need to talk it through, I need to hear it, to read it, to say it, whatever makes me more accepting. I love her and always will and after reading some things about pet (ugh I hate that word) loss and talking to some friends, I have established that she is with us. Her energy is still in this house and she's showing us signs of her presence. Or at least she will in more obvious ways.

I love you Daisy, you're my girl. Rest in peace baby.

I am not sure about anything anymore.

What happened?

PS - SOMEONE HIRE ME AS A GRAPHIC DESIGNER PLEASE. GRAPHIC DESIGN EXHIBIT DESIGN PRINT BASIC WEB DESIGN BLAH BLAH BLAH I CAN DO IT ALL (most). HIRE ME.

I have been exercising and trying to get fit. I'm in week 4 and I do an estimated 3.2 miles on the elliptical, 50 situps, 20 pushups, and various other exercises for strength. I have a goal and I seem to be sticking to it, unlike last year.

I need to get a job. I'm going to really start my hunt soon. Might try to work at a health food store in Manahawkin if I don't get a job within a month.

This past weekend I went to San Francisco with Angelo. The company he works for had planned and paid for a surprise trip for all their employees and one guest. It was an incredible trip that included some amazing things. We flew on a private charter plane, got to visit Alcatraz, the Muir Woods, Sausalito, went on a large ferry boat around Richardson Bay, went to a winery in the Napa Valley, saw Dana Carvey do stand up for the company (and sat 12 feet away), stayed in a really expensive hotel, and went to the absolute best vegan restaurant I've ever been to. It was a really enjoyable trip and I definitely like San Francisco. I could see myself living there at one point in my life, it was that great.

Summer is over. I hope this fall is a good one.

i'm tired. i'm tired and cranky and i don't want to do anything. i probably have lupus and i hate knowing that if i do, i need to go to doctors and take medication for the rest of my life.

i got 6 hours of sleep in total after a nap today in between my appointment with the rheumatologist and daisy's appointment with her oncologist. my poor baby has melanoma that is going to cause her to pass within 8 months. the love of my life. it took a hour to get home when it should have only taken a half hour. she was thirsty and i felt bad.

i'm so cranky. i hate that i'm wasting a night because i'm in a bad mood.

turns out i may have lupus.

I hope I write a long post.

Tomorrow I graduate from college with a bachelor's of science in graphic design from Drexel University. The past 4 years of my life have been a true test and I'm very proud to say that I finished with a 3.6 cumulative GPA. The teachers all professed their love of us (naturally) and said that we were the best class they ever had. While I feel that some people were unfairly given preferential treatment and a lot of favoritism from teachers was had amongst my fellow classmates, we really did prove ourselves to be an amazing class. I am not bashful in saying that I would consider myself to be in the better half of designers. Not to bring this down any, but I'm glad I am out of there. I disliked 90% of my classmates and I'm slightly sugarcoating.

I recently had my 22nd birthday. It was a wonderful day and probably my best birthday ever. First, it was the first year we didn't have a horrible family tragedy. Yes, my grandmother had a mild stroke, but she's doing better. My actual birthday was the last day of classes ever. That was wonderful. Elli and my sister took me to New Harmony for delicious dinner. Afterwards, Elli, Angelo, John, Geoff and I went to Mad Mex for margaritas. Erin, Alissa, and their friend Heather showed up. It was a good time. Later, we went to the Khyber. I had a hilarious and nice time. The Saturday after, I went out to eat with my parents and Angelo. Angelo and I met up with Geoff, Bobby, and various other people at Atlantic City. Got to see Dylan and Alanna. Overall, a really good birthday.

What else? Nothing. Nintendo Wii parties please. Mario Party. Fun party. Summer time. Beach. Boat. Babes. Please.

I am not straight edge anymore and I haven't been for a year. I didn't want to tell people because I feel that some would react negatively to the idea. The people who have reacted negatively are not in my circuit of friends anymore. Breaking edge was something really hard for me to come to terms to, but I have made it a learning experience. I am myself, I do what I want, and I only sometimes get disappointed that I'm not straight edge anymore. I know that I am a responsible person and that being straight edge really helped lay the foundation for said responsibility.

I shouldn't have to justify my decisions to anyone. The bottom line is that this is my business and my life.

A few months ago, my dog had a tumor removed from her snout. It has since grown back, underneath the scar from her surgery.  My parents took her to the vet to see what was up.  Apparently it doesn't look good and is probably cancer. They are going to do a biopsy Monday to check.

It really didn't hit me until now that this is the worst news I have heard in a long time.  She is my silly girl and probably the biggest love of my life. I just hope that she is happy and doesn't feel anything bad or painful.

I think, officially, I have decided to get a tattoo for her. "Silly Girl", in reference to the Descendents song, would be perfect since I sing it to her all the time.

I might be giving up white flour pasta in favor of whole wheat.  This was one of a handful of nights where I've had whole wheat pasta and I'm not gonna lie, I really, really liked the texture and body of the flavor.  Normally I'm not a whole wheat person...but this was soooooooooooo good.  Fiber rules.  Maybe I will try multigrain pasta too.  I also have a lentil pasta.  Whatever...I need to just get healthier and it will be easy knowing now that I don't hate the healthier varieties of pasta.

got a new livejournal updater thing thats embedded directly into firefox so i figure i should update.

senior thesis ruled.  took a lot out of me and i spent pretty much 5 weeks really pushing myself and doing nothing.  my last entry was sorta the beginning of the panic/mania.  i spent 4 weeks in a row in philly.  that's probably the longest i've ever stayed without going home to jersey.  despite the fact that i tend to overengineer and take my good ol time (due to my anal retentive graphic design/production qualities), i didn't pull too many all nighters.

my senior thesis was a package design for graphic designers. i created a resource kit on how to be environmentally friendly as graphic designers. i am very interested in green designing, so it was a really good way to research a topic i like and want to promote.

my adviser said really positive things.  all the thesis advisers apparently agreed that my kit was very extensive as a system/campaign and that it should exist for designers in the real world.  they want to pitch it to an organization or company because they think it would go somewhere.  also, they want professional photographs to enter into competitions because they think it will win. i'm definitely going to post pictures when i have them.

speaking of...i need to get a lot of work done on my portfolio/resume/job search.

GRADUATION - JUNE 16th!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, spring break is boring. i keep eating delicious vegan softserve style italian ice and i went to AC with my mom and grandma.  i won $20 so that's cool. casinos are gross.

i'm done posting now because i'm about to bid on some gold hoops on ebay. lol.

No offense to Elli because it was her birthday, but FUCK, I am having an anxiety attack right now. Not only did I spend $60 today (cabs, shitty clubs, food, etc), BUT I didn't do work today. I don't know how I am going to get my thesis done. When I think about the time I spent at a dumb club and how I was so bored, I think about the hours I could have designed.

I have to design: my advanced type logo (will probably take 3 hours), finish 7 hand illustrated postcards with typography (probably honestly 7 hours), 2-3 cards (2 hours), 2 letterheads (2 hours), the outside of the box and interior flap (2 hours), monsters (probably 4 hours), body parts (2 hours), cards for separate mailers (2 hours), performance class bullshit (1 hour), advertising ads (3 hours).

This is what I need done for mostly Monday, but advertising is due Tuesday. I am freaking the fuck out because I know it always takes longer than it should. The 5 hours tonight I could have spent on it would have helped...

but I'm a really, really nice friend I think. Hopefully, and I'm sure it will be, reciprocated.

I'm probably going to breakdown soon.

Hello world. Life has been interesting. Very up and down, but it's on an upward swing now and it's awesome.

I'm into a boy named Angelo (lol, again). Minus a couple of months, it will be 5 years of being in a relationship. So weird, but great that we are on good terms again.

On June 16th, 2007; I graduate with a BS in Graphic Design. I.CAN.NOT.EFFIN.WAIT. I need to move out of Philly and I need to not have intense anxiety and stress due to school.

I feel confident in my work and enjoy what I produce, but I'm finding it harder and harder to do homework. Real working is so much more...productive.

Listening to hardcore all the time now. I fell in love with Underdog recently. So good.

People don't like me. People I've never met. A+. I'm awesome and they are jealous.

I really enjoy my friendships with Krista and Elli. They make Philly tolerable and I'm grateful for the laughs they give me. I fully plan on hanging with the laydiez when I move back home. Vegan dinners galore.

I started wearing hoop earrings. They rule and I sometimes feel like a babe in them. babelyfe07.

Seeing my sister today and spending quality time with her and my mom ruled. I love them.

Daisy is the absolute best dog and best gal on the face of this planet. I fall in love with her more and more every day and she is the highlight of my days. Best.

I'm giggly.

i have never been more stressed out in my entire life. this time i am 100% serious.

school is nuts. worst time ever. since sunday at 9am, i've had a combined 11.5 hours of sleep. keep in mind it is now 1:36 am on the eve of thursday/morning of friday. this is due to being in the labs doing homework, going to class, going to work, and going back to the labs for more work. this time i legitimately haven't left everything to the complete LAST minute...my projects are so intense.

things in my personal life have been horrible. i feel so depressed and withdrawn. i'm physically sickened by what plagues my mind. these last 4 years don't mean much to some people and i'm realizing that now. i don't see a resemblance to the person i used to know and it's really hard to interact with this new person. i'm so ridiculously hurt and feel abandoned. i haven't gotten a lot done because of said person - even compromising my grades because of them. its just a general horrible feeling. and i may have been terrible at times to deal with, but i highly doubt i deserve this treatment, resentment, anger, negativity, and sour words. i hope everything works out in their favor though. and i truly mean it.



i dont want to be responsible for pushing people away, but apparently i am - so i quit.



out of sight, out of mind.




i just wish it were easier to deal with.

A few things...

1. I got a new cellphone - the LG vx8600. Rated 8 out of 10 by cnet. So beautiful. I am honestly in love.


2. I just finished making curried yellow split pea soup. Alton Brown is my hero for making the most simple recipe for this. Tastes so ridiculously delicious.

3. I may have a slight cold (Michelle, don't tell Mom and Dad!) and it sucks. I already have the nose sore from tissue burn.

4. I took off classes and work today so I could get a good night sleep and do homework that I need to do. So far I've done nothing, but I am feeling much more productive today than this past week.

5. People need to not dick others over, especially people they "care" about. People also need to realize their friends may like me, but they aren't MY friends and I don't ever feel comfortable around them.

6. Myspace chat rooms provide endless hilarity.

7. My roommate owes me $1500 come Friday.

8. My life is over for like 2-3 weeks. Please make me do homework.

I'm sitting outside on my "roof deck". LOL.

Um one thing though, IT'S NOVEMBER! WHY IS IT SO WARM OUT!?

Also, I'm hating people again. No tolerance.

See ya folks. My life is so retardedly busy.